Grief Relief

Grieving happens when you lose someone or something that you love and rely on or are “attached to.” The loss may be a person, pet, social contacts, business, or job you loved; it can be almost anything.

The surprising thing about grief is that it is really not about the thing you lost, but you. The source of your grief is a focus on yourself. It is a self-focus that most people share. After all, we are the center of our universe; there is no one inside us but us. People grieve or are unhappy because they feel deprived of what they want. Grief is all about you, not how much you loved the one you lost. The way to get rid of your pain is to deal with yourself; to deal with your upset emotions, not focus on what is gone. If you focus on what you have lost, you can grieve forever. If you deal with the cause, not the effect, you will get over it. 

Self-centeredness is in our mind, it starts in infancy, and most people never fully outgrow it. That is why grieving is a universal phenomenon; why we see it as “natural.” Inside us, the needy little kid reigns supreme: it wants what it wants when it wants it.

Attachment is a feeling that you “must-have,” “can’t stand to be without,” or “feeling alone, abandoned, and lost” without what you lost. It is why babies, infants, and young children cry and are upset when mommy is out of sight. When we are little we need mom.  She supplies everything. Without her we are in big trouble!

If you are not attached or feel that you cannot stand to be without what you lost, you are not likely to get stuck in your grief. You will be sad and miss your lost and will grieve for a while, but you will get used to it. That is what happens to most of our losses; we don’t get over them, we get used to them.

The grief that stays the most is “I cannot be happy without this person or thing, it is impossible”; “I am empty and alone.” Grief frequently has feelings of regret attached to it, feelings that “I should have spent more time with them,” “I should have done more for or with them,” or, “I should have been more careful.” 

Sometimes there is guilt and a feeling of responsibility for the loss that goes beyond regret. Again, the key ingredient is “I.” The focus seems to be on what is lost, but it is really “What don’t have”; and “What I have or have not done,” “What I missed, or what I will miss out on.”

Other times there are dependency feelings, thoughts, and feelings like “I can’t survive without them, I can’t live without what I have lost.” Dependency starts with our need to interact with others, and to bond. In the process, we define our worth and value through our connection with the other. Emotional dependency is when your self worth depends on how you are seen and treated by others. The opposite of dependence is emotional freedom. You attain emotional freedom when you take responsibility for your feelings. You are then no longer a victim; you are the source.

Still other times, grief involves a “wantingness,” which is a powerful energy. It is what the Buddha called the most significant cause of man’s suffering. The Buddha saw true happiness as being a state of joy in one’s mind.

The problem with most joy is that it does not last because the objects of our pleasure don’t last. A sad event follows a happy one: shoes wear out; the person we have bonded with and to whom we are attached dies.

Unfortunately, most of us go through life looking for things to “make us happy.” But our happy “fix” is never permanent, so we keep looking, or crying because we can’t keep it when we find it.

Fortunately, we can detach from the hellish feelings of “wantingness,” regret, attachment, guilt, and dependence. When that happens, you free to experience calm and real happiness. You can find joy in life.

The narration in the AttractorFieldTherapy program takes you on a series of journeys leading you to look in the corners of your mind that hold the sources of your grief and pain. It allows you to examine them in a way that enables you to let go of them.

When you purchase the program, you have a week to use it as many times as desired. While people usually get over their most immediate loss the first time they use it, some find it useful to review all of the sad and upsetting things they remember. We lose many things in our lives and do not realize that their loss stays with us even though we seem to get over them. You will be surprised how good and alive you feel if you look in all the corners of your mind and clear all of the cobwebs.

Not sure?  Got a second to answer a few questions?

Grief Questionnaire